Caffeine is a Drug
by Astarael's Get
Summary: Leader's punishments just got brutal. He's taken away all the alcohol... and indirectly caused a field trip to Konoha. Warning: contains OCs, excessive coffee consumption and suspected longlost illegitimate love children. Rated for language.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, this story is actually not listed on my profile because... my dear sister Lady Lilliana and I only came up with the idea for this a few days ago. And I wrote it, and now here it is. Feel free to shoot me if you wish. Just make sure to read Lady Lilliana's fics of this nature and mine before you do. These include _Insanity is a Birth Defect_, _Sweet Angels_, _Kisame's Devious Plan_, etc. There are soon going to be too many to list. Oh, wait... there already are.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, yada yada yada... I own Tei and her ridiculously excessive drinking habits, Lady Lilliana owns Rei and her mad stylishness, and we joint own Anno (and his easily shuttable mouth) and Rimu (and his incredibly annoying pranks).**

**And remember, kids... don't try this at home. No, wait... alcohol is bad for your health. Or, if you feel like it, both.**

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Ten steps to survive a stay with the Akatsuki: 

1. Do not ask Kakuzu for money.

2. Do not insult Hidan's religion.

3. Do not spill anything on the floor within a six mile radius of Sasori.

4. Do not enter Deidara's workshop without written permission.

5. Do not call Itachi a girl.

6. Do not look under Kisame's bed.

7. Do not let Anno speak.

8. Do not touch anything in Rei's room.

9. Do not give Tei a lemur.

10. Do not annoy Leader.

Tei, although being mentioned in the list, still managed to break several rules. She asked for money to buy a lemur, which irritated Kakuzu no end. Then she coerced (read: forced) Anno to ask Kakuzu for money for the lemur. She hunted through Kisame's bedroom for some money, finding eight bars of soap that had been missing for several months. She then hunted through Deidara's workshop. Why Deidara had a bucket of red paint balanced precariously on the edge of the table, we will never know. Finally, when Itachi asked what she was doing sneaking around the hideout with an empty loot bag, she told him to "bog off, you pathetic excuse for a female albatross".

No, Akatsuki were not pleased with Tei.

Therefore, Leader was not pleased with Tei.

And an angry Leader seeking revenge is never good.

However, Akatsuki (and Leader in particular) had learned that the usual punishments (grounding, starving, locking in a basement with the cockroaches for three weeks, etc) did not work on Tei. Leader had to take drastic measures.

He took away the alcohol.

The vodka in the kitchen. The beer in the fridge. Tei's hidden stash of tequila hidden in the rose bushes in the back garden. Tei's hidden stash of tequila hidden in the rose bushes in the _front_ garden. Hell, he even found the sake hidden down the side of the sofa. He took it all.

The Akatsuki Cave was now an alcohol-free place.

The following is an account of the alcohol-less fortnight that followed.

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"Morning, all," Deidara yawned as he stepped into the dining room to fetch his breakfast orange juice. It seemed like a normal day, but there was a perpetual sense of impending doom over the heads of four particular Konoha ninjas- Rei, Anno, Rimu and… Itachi? Deidara frowned. "What's the matter?" 

Anno looked furtively around himself before answering in a fearful whisper. "Don't you know?"

"Well, that was why I asked."

"It's Tei," Rimu supplied quietly. "She hasn't left her room in two days. She must be suffering from withdrawal by now."

"Yes, and we have none," Itachi sighed.

Rei stood up quickly, her eyes sweeping the room. "I'm leaving before she wakes up. We can at least go and find her a substitute. Come on, red eyes."

And with that, Rei left the room, heading in the direction of the kitchen, dragging Itachi with her. Deidara watched them go with interest before turning back to Rimu and Anno, who seemed even more afraid now that Rei was gone.

"So what's the deal with Telaki?" Hidan leaned over from his seat on the other side of the table. "She sulking or something?"

"You lot have never seen her sober, have you?" Hidan and Deidara shook their heads and Rimu continued. "She's… difficult. She used to be addicted to coffee but that changed when she was about ten…"

He trailed off and Anno picked up where his teammate left off. "I've known her my whole life, and the only person that could ever control the sober, caffeine-less Tei was her grandpa and Rei, but only a little. She's just scary. Maybe even as scary as Leader."

"As scary as Leader?" Deidara muttered in disbelief. "Is that even possible?"

"Oh yes."

At this point, the impending doom that they had been sensing descended upon the dining room. The door slammed open. Tei stepped in.

Her eyes were narrowed, a scowl plastered across her face. Her hair was tied back in a high ponytail (which was unusual in itself) and her Akatsuki cloak hung off her shoulders like a cape. Her slashed forehead protector was nowhere to be seen, and the inhabitants of the dining room were shocked by the sheer amount of black leather and silver jewellery the girl was wearing. A pair of mirror sunglasses perched atop her head and her card holder was now strapped tightly to her right hip.

Yes, Suzuka Telaki had reverted to her 'intimidation' phase.

Anno cradled his head in his hands and began to rock backwards and forwards, moaning quietly. Rimu silently slid under the table in an attempt to hide. The remaining inhabitants of the room- Hidan, Deidara, Sasori, Konan and Kisame- simply stared until Tei glared at them.

"What the hell are you looking at?" she snapped. "Where's that bastard Rimu? I have a score to settle with him!"

Kisame slowly reached under the table and dragged Rimu out by the collar of his cloak. If looks could kill, Kisame would be dead. But, then again, if looks could kill, Rimu would have been six feet under even before Tei glanced at him. Ah, the potency of that poisonous glare.

The kunoichi (formerly known as the patron saint of crazy, currently known as the patron saint of scary) smiled mirthlessly. "Before, I was too drunk to notice, _sensei_, but it seems you have been playing pranks on me since the day we met. I don't really care for that sort of thing. So, here's the deal. If you ever play a prank on me, _ever again_, you'll lose your left ear and several of your fingers. Do I make myself clear?"

Before Rimu had a chance to reply, the door once again slammed open, this time to reveal, not a leather-clad, scowling blonde, but a short, purple-haired kunoichi bearing a tray. Rei was followed by Itachi, who also seemed to be bearing a tray. Rei smiled brightly. "Coffee for you, Tei!"

Tei's eyes widened and she drank every single one of the twenty-two mugs of coffee within seventy-three seconds. Then she pounced on Anno, suddenly hyperactive. "COFFEE MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER!!!"

Rei smirked at the incredibly confused Akatsuki members. "Coffee is her anti-drug, of a sort. It's what we used to give her when she was a kid. Changes her back to her regular, ADHD self."

And so a crisis was narrowly avoided by the quick thinking of our favourite seamstress. At least, it was… on Monday.


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm sorry! I'm not dead! Honest! But I'm not sure I like this chapter. It's not as good as it should be. And I suddenly have inspiration for Leader's Towel, so that's what I'll be writing today. Lady Lilliana! You inspired me with you updates! I hereby dub you the most completely PWNSOME sister ever! -looks to readers- Read her stories! Read them! They are of a much mightier caliber than mine! Although they involve the same characters and OCs...**

**Disclaimer: Oh, man... I can't be bothered... check the last chapter's disclaimer, 'kay?

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One can never be too sure about how to deal with someone they have never met before, as was the case of Akatsuki versus sober!Telaki.

It had taken three days for the excessive amount of caffeine speeding around Tei's bloodstream to run out, and so it was on Thursday that various members of the Akatsuki- namely Itachi, Deidara and Hidan- stumbled across two grumpy kunoichi brewing coffee in the early hours of the morning.

"Why did you have to get _me_ out of bed?" Rei complained loudly, her hair even more dishevelled than usual and seemingly quite lethal. She was twirling a kunai around her index finger. Her black pyjamas (covered in yellow smiley faces) were ruffled, as though she had literally just crawled out of bed. She raised an eyebrow at her workmates' attire- Deidara's white t-shirt and shorts, Itachi's plain black pyjamas covered in badly disguised sugar stains and Hidan's nudity from the waist up. Obviously, this was because Kakuzu never got up until at least eight a.m., but that's neither here nor there.

Tei was, again, scowling, sending a shiver down Hidan's spine- her scowl was reminiscent of Leader's whenever he was about to de-spleen someone. And Hidan was always blamed, because of course Hidan cannot die. Rei and Kakuzu, in one single unique moment of teamwork and genius, had invented a process called re-spleening, wherein they would return Hidan's spleen to its original home from wherever it had been thrown- the pond, the meat tenderizer, Orochimaru's brick bag…

Tei's pyjamas were oddly different to her normal, cloud-and-bunny covered lavender ones, now black and covered in stars and moons, like her tarot cards. This change seemed to go completely unnoticed by Rei, however, who was equally as calm about her friend's uncharacteristic fury.

"It's not my fault you moved the coffee jar, Miyako."

Hidan could hold his silence no longer and let out a low whistle. No one ever had the guts to call Rei by her surname, though none of them knew why.

Two disgruntled faces turned towards him. Tei raised a spatula.

"Get out, Hidan, before I de-spleen you with this cooking utensil."

Half a second later, all that remained to tell people that Hidan had even been there was a trail of fire leading through the hideout to his bedroom.

"I think he's getting sick of all the de-spleening," Itachi observed, still watching Tei carefully as she drank deeply from the 'Can't Cook Won't Cook' coffee mug that she had managed to convince Kakuzu to buy for her. This had involved lots of kunai and pointed sticks, so it might not be called persuasion.

Then the door burst open and Tobi bounded in from the garden. Why he'd been out in the garden in the first place was a complete mystery.

"Tobi is here to help with breakfast!"

"Tobi… it's five a.m."

"Oh."

Tei grinned evilly into her coffee. "If you want to help, Tobi," she announced. "Go and dump this on Rimu's head."

Itachi raised an eyebrow as Tei filled a bucket with cold water and as she was about to pass it to Tobi, he held up a hand to stop her. "Wait. You forgot the ice cubes."

Tei, Rei and Deidara blinked at him. Rei smiled as Tei poured half the water out and filled the bucket to the brim with ice cubes. "I have newfound respect for you, Itachi."

"Tobi will do a good job!" Tobi proclaimed happily as he finally received the bucket and bounced out of the room, miraculously not spilling any of the bucket's contents.

Deidara, Itachi, Rei and Tei watched the door intently, waiting for the inevitable.

A piercing, incredibly feminine scream echoed throughout the A/C, followed by repeated yelps of "Tobi was told to do it!" and "Don't kill Tobi, Rimu-san!"

Itachi and Deidara turned slowly to face the two kunoichi, only to find that they were no longer there. They were, in fact, collapsed on the kitchen tiles, fighting to breathe through their near-hysterical laughter.

Itachi calmly reached for the coffee beans. However, before he could ram the open jar down Tei's throat, the door slammed shut, then open again (apparently for dramatic effect).

Rimu stood there, sopping wet, with a murderous look upon his face and an aura that would have been frightening if he had been anyone but… well… him.

Deidara joined the two girls on the floor, managing to gasp out between his girlish giggles, "You wear… teddy bear… pyjamas?"

Rimu looked down at his soggy nightwear and turned a spectacular Shade of beetroot. "Telaki, you will pay!" he bellowed before storming out of the room.

It wasn't for several hours that they found out what he meant. He attended lunch with a very smug look on his face.

Kisame, Rimu's amphibious prank-partner, was the first to bite. "What's up, Rimu? Why so smug?"

"I have wrought my revenge," Rimu announced to the Akatsuki, standing up. He noticed the Voodoo Sisters' eyebrows skyrocket immediately and smirked as he continued. "Ladies, gentlemen and shemales"-Deidara made a rude hand gesture in the general direction of everyone who glanced at him-"it has been confirmed that we must take an outing."

Leader's eyebrows joined the others'- on the ceiling. Rimu, of all people, had organised something? Well, there was a first time for everything. "Proceed, Rimu. What is this outing?"

"The UGK, aka the United Grandparents of Konoha, have invited us to their next meet.

Dismay wrote itself across at least seven faces, including those of Rei, Tei, Anno and Itachi. Rimu's smirk grew wider.

"Tomorrow."

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**Next chapter- mad grandparents! Deidara's embarrassment! Zetsu's new favourite food! A raccoon?**


End file.
